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National Security Agency | Online Super Spy Program
Eligibility Quiz
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- Are you 17 or older?
- Do you crave the approval of authority?
- Do you have a background in technology, security, brown nosing, stalking, obsessive gaming or Internet addiction?
- Do you dream of superhero powers that allow you to peek into the secret lives of spouses, lovers, exes, and others you seek to control or destroy?
- Do you think you are vastly more intelligent than others, but are too insecure to tell anyone?
- Have you always wanted to be a spy?
NSA Announces Job Openings at
Elite 007 Online Super Spy Program
By Ginny Stoner | nworeporter.com
Image by EFF via Wiki Commons {CC-by-SA 2.0} | Remix by Ed. | nworeporter.com
If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above,
the next 007 Super Spy might be you!
Be a soldier for the Global Overlords in the battle to save humanity from itself!
Join the NSA's mission to record and analyze all activities, communications, thoughts, habits and bodily functions of everyone, everywhere, all the time!
Receive prizes for your winning entries in the NSA weekly "Best of" competition for the Hottest, Funniest, Stupidest, Weirdest and Most Disgusting surveillance footage!
Earn extra money marketing data to the Extortion, Dark Porn and Muckraker industries!
As a 007 Super Spy, you will receive a comprehensive salary and benefits package, including affordable medical insurance with unlimited vaccine and microchip coverage; short and long term disability; a generous theoretical retirement plan; and 24 paid nondenominational holidays each year.
All 007 Super Spies work a 40-hour week, and are required to sacrifice their souls, their values (if any), and all remaining traces of their humanity as a condition of employment.
Testimonials from satisfied 007 spies abound. Milt Reptyle left his job on the Geek Squad last year to pursue a career as a 007 Super Spy, and he couldn't be happier.
"The minute I saw target G7032499 in the shower through her iPhone 22.3," said Reptyle, "I knew this was the right job for me. She really made up for a lot of girls who just don't look that great underneath.
"Once she even mentioned me on the phone -- she said I 'smell like canned tuna' and have 'the charm of a Cottonmouth.' Those Texas girls have a weird way of saying things, but I'm pretty sure she meant that I'm like a brilliant dolphin, trapped in a can of tuna commoners, and my wit is quicker and more deadly than snake venom.
"I carry her words with me everywhere I go, and listen to them whenever I'm feeling a little down, or lonely, and usually at bedtime."
As a 007 Super Spy, you will have the opportunity to associate with other like-minded soldiers of the New World Order, and hone your ability to comply with even the most repugnant, nonsensical and illegal of orders.
The NSA is dedicated to maintaining a nondiscriminatory, soulless work place, where everyone is equally dispensable, especially with expanding improvements in robotic surveillance and automated data mining software.
A complete job description and application instructions are available online. The positions are expected to fill quickly, so apply now before it's too late!
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