It's time Travel on the web!  Political Satire, Cartoons, Art & Short Stories to free your mind

Ray Kurdzwhile Clone #2 Wanted for Crimes Against Transnature

By Ginny Stoner | nworeporter.com

Image by Ginny Stoner | nworeporter.com

THE GLOBAL MILITIA has issued an urgent alert to be on the lookout for Ray Kurdzwhile Clone #2, who fled his luxury cage at the Utopian Zoo at the NASA compound yesterday in the company of his transgenic human-chimp housekeeper, Phoebe. Authorities report that Kurdzwhile and his companion, armed with a makeshift perfume-based explosive, overpowered compound guards and fled in a black military-issued helicraft.​

​

The second Kurdzwhile Clone has been caringly confined at the Utopian Zoo since going over the deep end last August, swallowing his uPhone so it would become, as he put it, “truly a part of me”.  Later, he viciously attacked plastic surgeons as they attempted to sedate him for the most recent of 9 failed hair transplants, a mandatory procedure under the terms of the Agreement for Life for all Kurdzwhile clones.

“We can’t have a bunch of bald monkey-loving Kurdzwhiles running around loose,” explained Dr. Jerry Dimwitty, director of the Kurdzwhile Clone Trust, “it’s an insult to the now fully uploaded Mr. Kurdzwhile's dreams of full-haired, immortal perfection.”

Kurdzwhile Clone #2 left a rambling 142 page manifesto on his abandoned uPad, in which he theorized that a successful mating with Phoebe might produce offspring with enough hair to “blanket them with an absolute guarantee against future forced plugging.”

​Thankfully, Dr. Dimwitty reports that the other 3 Kurdzwhile clones are doing quite well, tirelessly performing complicated mathematical calculations in the basement of Kurdzwhile University at the NASA compound for up to 14 hours a day, 7 days a week.  

“The cloning program is still in its infancy, and while it’s true we are still working out a few bugs, I can assure you that the other Kurdzwhiles demonstrate no dangerous tendencies or transgenic romantic interests whatsoever,” said Dr. Dimwitty, “in fact, their only interests, outside of their assigned mathematical calculations, appear to be sleeping, eating Doritos, and watching old reruns of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ on Saturday night.”   

​Anyone spotting the fugitive pair is advised to contact the Global Militia hotline immediately.  DO NOT TRY TO APPREHEND KURDZWHILE OR PHOEBE, AS BOTH ARE CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!

***

Comments: