A Brief History of Vaccines & Austism: A Retrospective from 2042

Autism is a form of neurological damage which often means a child will require lifelong assisted living. The rates of autism skyrocketed from virtually zero in 1960, to 1 in 68 in 2014. By 2015, the CDC decided it was best to stop tracking these troubling statistics.

"In spite of a lot of scrolling pictures of healthy, happy children on the CDC website, parents were still concerned," explained CDC spokesperson Dr. Ernest Obfuscation.

"In addition, we were worried about the effects the statistics might have on the children. Some people were calling autism a national emergency, and no child should have to grow up with the stigma of being a national emergency."

Teachers estimate that the incidence of autism in 2042 is about 1 in 7, but are strongly encouraged to keep their depressing estimates to themselves.

Dr. Obfuscation explained that a striking correlation between the number of vaccines given to children and the escalating autism rate was noticed early on.

Both the CDC and vaccine manufacturers were greatly concerned about the potential effect of these numbers on the valuable vaccination program. Fortuitously, extensive research undertaken to examine the issue found that the correlation between vaccines and autism was simply an unfortunate coincidence.

Decades of diligent research followed to identify the causes of autism. To date, the only thing that has been determined for certain is that it is not caused by GMOs, chemicals food additives, environmental toxins, nutritional factors, or anything else for which the solution is something other than a lucrative pharmaceutical product or expensive medical procedure.


Laws were passed in the mid 1980's to protect vulnerable vaccine manufacturers from greedy lawyers and delusional parents looking for someone to blame for their child's autism or other disabilities. 

A special Vaccine Injury Compensation Program was established to placate rapacious parents seeking a free ride on the lifelong roller coaster of caring for a disabled child.  A labyrinth of procedures was employed to ensure that only the most diligent of claimants would actually receive any funds.         

Today, autism is largely believed by experts to be the result of a spontaneous genetic mutation, the solution for which lies in either sophisticated gene manipulation or microchip brain implants.  Extraordinary advances in medical technology indicate these cures are just over the horizon. 

Research grants totaling over 14 billion dollars, and thousands of orphans and welfare recipients, have been earmarked for the testing of these revolutionary high-tech solutions over the next 5 years.

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