In a statement issued by WHOdunnit yesterday, spokesperson Angus Qualmish warned:  "We believe the EEKbola pandemic is more dangerous by far than any of the previous 28 pandemics declared since 2009, when WHOdunnit removed the pesky requirement that 'enormous numbers of deaths and illness' are required to declare a global pandemic."

"WHOdunnit would like to remind all citizens that good nutrition, clean water and good sanitation are irrelevant to health and wellness," continued Angus, "it's just a coincidence that most deaths from previous pandemics have occurred in countries where those luxuries are absent.  All citizens are advised to panic like never before, and to diligently follow all instructions given by their caring leaders."         

While actual confirmed deaths from EEKbola worldwide are only 456 to date, expert statisticians at WHOdunnit, using sophisticated projection techniques available only to the specially initiated, estimate that the number of deaths will skyrocket to 2.9 million within the next 3 weeks -- nearly double the number who died of diarrhea last year.

The Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Empire reports that priests worldwide are booked solid for the next three weeks with appointments to administer last rites.  In an attempt to ensure a smooth transition to heaven for as many as possible, the Vatican has scheduled a televised Last Rites Special airing tonight, also available on podcast.  The Vatican also announced the release of a new personalized Last Rites app, available for a tithe of only 50% of your net income for 2041.